


intertwined

by orphan_account



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Dissociation, Dysphoria, M/M, Pansexual John Laurens, Trans Alex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-16
Updated: 2017-01-31
Packaged: 2018-08-31 07:55:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,188
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8570557
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Alexander, he needs someone. He never used to be able to admit that. Then John Laurens comes along, all freckles and welcoming smiles and warm chest. And he thought he was a goner then. Eliza is right around the corner.  [author name used to be ceruleanbucky]





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> work title from dodie's ep 'intertwined'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i've edited the chapters i've uploaded go read the New And Improved version of this piece of SHIT

"Did you just touch me?"

 

Alexander is laying on his side in bed, John sitting upright next to him. He feels his binder against his ribs and he knows he should take it off. He can't do it right now. Can't do anything right now.

"Yeah, Lex. Is that okay?" John speaks in almost a hum, soft and comforting.

"No, it's - it's okay. I just didn't feel it. I saw you moving. I didn't know."

"Dissociating, baby?" Arms encased around Alex. Strong. Firm. Real.

"Yeah," he sighs. He screws his eyes shut. He closes them so tight he sees patches of colour that fade into black. Deep breath. Open. "This fucking sucks."

"I know, angel, I'm sorry. Does touching help?" Fingers run lightly down an arm. Alex doesn't know which. He thinks he forgets who's here with him. He shakes himself when he hears someone speak.

"Amor? You there?" A poke to his cheek. Breath on his neck. Hands on his waist. He suddenly wriggles.

"No." He shakes his middle. He wriggles and he whines and tears are rolling down his cheeks before John finally realises what's wrong.

"No?" He moves away from him. He gives him space, his hands aren't on his waist anymore. He never knows when it will or won't be okay to touch Alex. He respects his boundaries. He understands. This has happened so many times but it still makes him ache, knowing his Alex isn't comfortable in his own skin. But it isn't about him, it's about Alex. He helps him but he understands he has no place to make it about him.

"I'm sorry," Alex huffs. His chest heaves with forgotten sobs as his lips open, "I'm sorry for being bad."

John almost feels a break at that. But he can't. Alex needs comfort, needs to be taken care of.

"Oh, baby," he almost moves in. He remembers. "Is it okay if I touch you, angel?"

Alex swallows hard, tries to clear his throat: "Touch me how?"

John braces for a bad reaction when he leans in to press a kiss to Alex's face. He looks at him in a way that says, "just like this, nothing more" and Alex lets out the breath he was holding. He nods slightly, almost looks unsure. Hand in his hair. Breath on his cheek. Eyes on him. Eyes up. Heart pounds. He wriggles.

"No. No, no, no, n-" he's shaking. He can't finish before he's being comforted.

"Shh, baby, shh, it's okay. Promise. Is it okay if I play with your hair, honey?" He whispers something else in his native tongue silently, not that Alex hear him anyway. John doesn't want him to know.

Alex shakes. Curls up. Eyes shut.

"I can't breathe."

John's eyebrows furrowed. "Come outside with me."

"No," is his reply. Stubborn. He doesn't know what he wants, he wants to be alone, he wants to be encompassed, he wants to fall.

"Come on, _mi vida_ , please." He begins to lift up Alex, arms under his ribcage and suddenly he hears a whimper.

"What is it?" John inquires, although he knows. He saw it as soon as he came home to his Alex curled in bed, spaced out; staring at the wall.

"B- my, the-" suddenly he can't seem to speak, either. He's laid back down on the bed, his shirt is lifted. He resists, pushes it back down, struggles. John tries again. He knows he can't coax Alex like he usually does. So, he sings.

" _A la nanita, nana nanita, ella_ ," his arms softly reach to Alex's shirt.

"No," Alex says quietly. John shushes him. He gets Alex's binder off half-way.

"Baby, baby, baby," John sings, to distract him while he gets Alex's arms up and then it's done.

"You did so good, baby." A kiss to his forehead. Hands rubbing up and down his back. He's lifted up. He's limp. He couldn't fight back if he wanted to.

"Mm," Alex attempts, hand patting on John's chest. He whines, unable to make his mouth move. He's so tired.

"What's up, honey?" He looks down to where his boy is cradled against his chest.

"Hm, I- " he can't make himself speak. He closes his eyes. Deep breath. Open: "John." Okay, John thinks. Maybe he needs to reassert himself, remind him who's there, ground him.

"John." Again. "John Laurens."

"That's me, baby. You okay?" He's concerned. He's always concerned with his Alex.

"Alex. Alex?" He points to himself in confusion.

"Yeah, that's you. You're Alex. Alex, my love. Alex."

"Alex? Not _Aurora?_ " He looks so lost. He says his dead name with such a thick accent John almost continues in their first language. He faintly remembers Alex telling him the only times he felt real was when he was Aurora. He said when he realised who he was, he tuned everything out.

"My sweet boy," he puts his fingers under Alex's chin,"look at me."

"Hmm," he whines, eyes half-lidded. His boy is tired, he knows. But this is important.

"Listen to me," he looks into Alex's eyes."Your name is Alex. Alexander, okay? You always have been. No matter what anyone says. The only person who decides who you are is you. Your name is Alex, okay, baby?"

"John?"

"Yeah, bee?" John's hand cards through Alex's hair, coaxes him to the strength to make words.

"Love you," he says, unafraid, rolls off his tongue like he's said it a thousand times. He presses a kiss to John's collarbone.

"You're so soft," John chuckles absentmindedly and for a moment, everything feels as if it's okay.

Neither of them are entirely sure where they are. John remembers, distantly, walking out of their apartment complex, Alex going limp against him, walking. His boy is asleep now, he thinks. He's peaceful. He walks home and lays his Alex in bed and slips in right next to him. He kisses his collarbone in return.

"Love you more."


	2. important!!!!

hi all!!!

 

so I just wanted to post that as of now I will delete this work (save the chapters on my own, of course) because I want to rewrite it with a plot and background story, which I am writing right now and will post when it is finished. this work will return once the origin fic is written/published but I really just think that 1) these chapters are really shitty, I'm not happy with them and they need a lot more work to be fit for publishing and 2) works that I start with that have no background or plot end up never being finished and I really want this to be !!successful!! but I don't think I can do that with the way I've written this right now. 

 

if you want, you can talk to me on [twitter](twitter.com/hamjItons) or [tumblr](ffonds.tumblr.com) or [instagram!](https://www.instagram.com/citibjke/) I promise this work will be back as soon as possible and I thank all of you who have read it and gave me comments and kudos, all of 'em made my day. 

 

ciao for now!!!

 

 

(if the links don't work my twitter is hamjitons, my tumblr is ffonds, and my instagram is citibjke!)


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